Welcome, visitors from DearSugar, TheFrisky, and Lemondrop to Maxim’s Biggest, Hardest Sex Survey Ever! We thank you for agreeing to help our male readers improve their sex lives—and, more importantly, yours—by responding to our questionnaire. The revealing results will be published in the February issue of Maxim, just in time for the man in your life to read ‘em, take notes, and spice things up for Valentine’s Day. Or ignore them and just get you another box of peanut clusters. Name:   Birth date:   City of residence:   Job (If you are a full-time student, please type “student.”):   You are:   single    married    in a relationship    At what age did you lose your virginity?   How many sexual partners have you had?   What is the average amount of time that passes between meeting a guy and sleeping with him?   Less than a week    2-3 weeks    Over a month    How long does it take to get to the nearest bathroom, closet, or alleyway?    How many one-night stands have you had?   You prefer to date men who are:   your age    younger    older    If you’re in a relationship, you met your current partner:   at work    at a bar or club    through friends    online    What old-fashioned chivalrous things do you still expect a guy to do:   open doors    walk on the outside on the street    pay for everything    make the first move sexually    all of the above    Other:     If a man sleeps with you and then doesn’t contact you the next day, you:   get the hint and move on    tell everyone you know that he’s an asshole    spiral into a bout of self-loathing and severe depression    cut his eyes out in photographs    fall in love with him    all of the above    none of the above    What is an absolute deal-breaker in a relationship?   using online porn    flirting with another woman    cheating (this includes just kissing another woman)    lying—about anything    Other:     How do you wear your pubic hair?   full bush    trimmed bush    landing strip    totally bald    Hitler mustache    How do you prefer a man’s pubic hair?   full pube    trimmed    totally shaved    chemically straightened    What is your favorite body part on a man?   shoulders    arms    chest    back    stomach    legs    butt    balls    What penis size is most satisfying to you?   1-3 inches    4-6 inches    7-9 inches    10+ inches    You prefer sex to be   slow and gentle    rough and dirty    over in time for The Hills    From start to finish—first lip lock to final orgasm-induced shudder—how long should the ideal sex session last?   fewer than 15 minutes    15-30 minutes    30-60 minutes    60+ minutes    How long should the penetration part of sex ideally last?   1-5 minutes    6-10 minutes    11-15 minutes    16-20 minutes    Whatever Sting does    What is most likely to bring you to orgasm?   oral sex (receiving, of course)    vaginal sex    masturbation    I’ve never had an orgasm    What is your favorite position?   During sex you think about:   your partner    a previous partner    a friend or coworker    Clive Owen    How many boyfriends have you cheated on? (Examples: 1/10; 12/12)   How many lesbian experiences have you had?   0    1, in college, who hasn’t?    1-5    5-10    I’m going down on my roommate right now    Have you ever made a sex tape?   Yes    No    Not to my knowledge    How often do you masturbate?   daily    a few times a week    a few times a month    a few times a year    Masturbation is the devil’s work.    What kind of porn is your favorite?   softcore (Skinemax)    hardcore    gay    girl on girl    monkey on mannequin    I hate all porn    When you masturbate, you most often use:   a vibrator or dildo    your hands    a household object (hello, electric toothbrush!)    I just rub my body up against whatever’s handy, kind of like a cocker spaniel    How often do you demand a guy wear a condom?   every time I have sex    every time I have sex sober    only if we haven’t previously discussed his sexual history    only if we have one handy    never    Have you ever lied about being on birth control?   Have you ever lied about having an STD?   Have you had anal sex?   Yes    Not yet    Hell no, so don’t even bother pulling that faux-accidental “oops, wrong hole” trick.    What is the one thing you would never do?   threesome    facial    let someone pee on you    light a dude on fire